Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

'what i want is to be needed.
what i need is to be indispensable to somebody.
who i need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention.
somebody addicted to me.
a mutual addiction.'

'let me tell you what you feel like when you know you are ready to die.
you sleep a lot, and when you wake up the very first thought in your head is that you wish you could go back to bed.
you go entire days without eating, because food is a commodity that keeps you here.
you read the same page a hundred times.
you rewind your life like a videocassette and see the things that make you weep, things that make you pause, but nothing that makes you want to play it forward.
you forget to comb your hair, to shower, to dress.
and then one day, when you make the decision that you have enough energy left in you to do this one, last, monumental thing, there comes a peace.
suddenly you are counting moments as you haven’t for months.
suddenly you have a secret that makes you smile, that makes people say you look wonderful, although you feel like a shell- brittle and capable of cracking into a thousand pieces.'

'i am half agony, half hope.'

and so it is; just like you said it would be

"i don't know! i don't know! i'm lost! i'm scared! i feel like i'm disappearing!
my skin is coming off! i'm getting old! nothing makes any sense to me!

nothing makes any sense!"