i’m too freaking anxious
and sometimes hysterical.
i get attatched way too easily
and am easily broken.
i long to be loved
and completely empty at the same time.
i give myself away too much
and then wonder why i get so hurt.
i have way too many questions
and not nearly enough time to find all the answers.
i’ve let down a lot of people i love
and don’t know how to make it up to them.
i’m a little weird and crazy
but i try to hide it.
i’m way too heartbroken
and lonely.

i cry because time moves both much too fast

and much too slow at the same time.
i want to seize the day
but i don’t know how.
i am too much of a coward to live

and yet too much of a coward to die.

"you know, i dream sometimes about flying.
it starts out like i’m running really, really fast and i’m like superhuman and the terrain starts to get really rocky and steep and then i’m running so fast that my feet aren’t even touching the ground and i’m floating and it’s like this amazing, amazing feeling…
i’m free, i’m safe.
then i realise: i’m completely alone.
and then i wake up.


i’ve never told anybody that before."

i didn't want any flowers,i only wanted to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty

title from the poem 'tulips' by sylvia plath

you love me now. wait until you see who i really am

i can't explain how everything just feels so magical.
i never noticed the colour of my skin under the moonlight before. or how my arms sway back and forth when i walk.
a whirlwind of leaves has never felt like a hurricane before.
and i’ve never felt this safe to walk with my eyes closed.
the numbness. it’s good.
the pain. the guilt. the longing. the self loathing. all gone.
not thinking about you- about anything, is just so wonderful.
i feel like i’m in a dream.
one that i don’t ever want to wake up from.
but. i will wake up.
and everything that i long to forget will begin to rain down on me like an unexpected thunderstorm that i just can't stop or hide from.

until the next time..

i am sorry
i wish it didn't have to be like this.